Quick notes on the guys that have signed thus far (lotta help from Google and SOSH)...
#40: Kristofer Johnson, LHP, Wichita State
- Again, he hates the Yankees. Should start in Lowell. Almost all the way back from Tommy John surgery, already hitting 93 on his fastball. Reputedly high ceiling.
- Probably heading to the Gulf Coast League if not extended spring training. Children of the Corn-esque name should strike fear into the hearts of opposing hitters
- When he's not keeping the wild west free of scoundrels, Masterson should be throwing 2-inning stints in Lowell soon. He's 6' 6" with a low-90s fastball and hard slider. Note: "At 6-6, 245 pounds, Masterson also is a presence on the mound. He had double-digit strikeout totals in several starts this season, and against TCU he retired 22 straight batters and took a one-hitter into the ninth inning." Expected to make the Bigs.
- Bates is a ready-to-play hitter who was listed as the #3 pure hitter in college. He won the Cape Cod HR Derby in 2005, so he brings some of the corner power the team has been criticized (by me, in some places) for lacking. Family owns a ramshackle motel chain.
- Winner of the 2006 MLB Draft Ironic Name Award. Catcher Still is known for his power, and his statuesque (read: monolithic) bearing. He is not fast. Nevertheless, reports are he can hit. SLG .495 at NC State.
- Another giant, the 6' 6" lefty can be dominant or lose his shit. He'll go to Lowell, but will he stay? The advice he was given by a Red Sox official was to "enjoy my time playing". That's some damn fine advice, should help him get guys out. Not a sure thing, apparently, but I'd say it's worth it to take a chance on a giant lefty who looks like Doph Lundgren. I look forward to these exchanges between Dustin and opposing batters:
Dustin: I must break you.
Batter: Dude, I'm wearing a helmet and you're like 100 feet away. I can't hear shit.
#193: Zach Daeges, 3B, Creighton
- Daeges will go to Lowell and I would assume take over 3B. He should do well in rookie ball. It's speculated that he will be moved to the OF, but I guess not right away. He strikes me as too serious to mock.
- My current favorite draftee will go to Lowell where he will probably be moved to 2B, and will definitely be shocked by the awesome power of full-alcohol beer. Expect him to lead the league in Missed Groupie Chances as the beer dulls his senses and causes him to mistake the sexually aggressive shouting of Western Mass. women for anger.
- The Craft will practice his dark magic in the GCL. He pitched relief for DB, so I would assume he'll do the same at Lowell. His 6' 3", 185 lb. frame is described as "projectible" which is a stupid term baseball people use to make themselves feel important. Really it means "might get bigger/better/stronger/bionic".
- The latest signee will also start in Lowell, likely as a back-up OF. Smyth bears a disturbing resemblance to crazy person Tony Robbins (see?), but perhaps he can use that to motivate teammates during the tough times. On a more serious note, Smyth led SDSU in almost every offensive category, including smell.
- I'll be honest, I don't believe Donald Lawson exists. But if he does, he'll be in Lowell. Actually it appears he might go by the name "Ryne", which makes some sense, since Donald is a crappy name.
#973: Mike Chambers, 2B, Franklin Pierce
- Mike is another big favorite here since he went to Franklin Pierce like my friend Mel's brother. Not only that, but he's already put a ball over the Monstah! We're all hoping he's this year's Natale. He'll have some trouble playing behind Khoury, but perhaps Khoury will get some games at SS and we'll see what Mike's got.
- A two-way star at Macon College, Beazley was drafted as a pitcher after striking out 108 in 88 IP, and putting up an ERA of 1.94. He once struck out 17 in a single game. He also led the team in hitting, batting .378 for the season. Travis is an inspirational figure, too, having overcome a tough case of "Southern Mouth".
- Jeff began focusing on baseball in college after claiming an imaginary girlfriend in the "Niagara Falls vicinity" and getting busted since he was actually living there at the time. This proved to be a good move, as Jeff went on to put up some impressive numbers. Note: "The 2006 first-team All-Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference pick and MAAC All-Tournament selection hit .304 in his career with 177 hits, 125 runs, 35 doubles, 18 home runs and 117 RBIs. He holds school records for triples (12) and stolen bases (54)." Here he is practicing his patented 'awkward high five'. He'll go to Lowell and play OF as a back-up.
- At this point Josh needs no introduction. A submarine-style pitcher who closed for North Florida, Josh doesn't have the velocity of his older brothers Jon and Jeremy, but led the family in "noogies" as well as "wedgies" and "swirlies". He was very effective in relief for NF. He held right-handed hitters to a .214 batting average in 41+ innings of work, walked just 14 hitters and allowed only two home runs. He had an 8.64/9 ratio, which is pretty solid, and had 24 saves. He's a longshot, for sure, but he's unorthodox, and a competitor.